Endurance: A WHI for A Fall to Grace
by Adamantwrites
Summary: Trapper finds himself the victim of a debilitating disease and is unaware of the two women in his life vying for his affections. All recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. OC's and plots are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.
1. Chapter 1

Anyone who is familiar with the show _Trapper John, MD_ should remember the episode "A Fall to Grace." PR was nominated for an Emmy for that episode which, IMO, should have been a two-parter. This is a WHI because in a few stories before this one (not posted here) I introduced a love interest for Trapper, a college professor named Roxanne. In this story Melanie is engaged to David Sanders, the staff psychologist played by Richard Schaal; the last we actually saw of Melanie in the show, she had left her groom at the altar and run off to join David as the helicopter he hired landed on the lawn of the wedding venue; this story is out of the original timeline. But that's the fun of writing—an author can control time and space! 

Part 1

Roxanne was sitting in the ICU waiting room with Melanie and J.T. who paced up and down. Then the doctor came out and called Melanie over by her first name, hugged her, and told her that she could go in and see Trapper but that she couldn't stay more than five minutes; Trapper was tired. Melanie touched the doctor's arm when she thanked him and he led her through the swinging double doors into the unit. Roxanne watched with a twinge of envy; Melanie was still an insider and she was a complete stranger, that is unless one of the doctors recognized her from a get together and thought of her as Trapper's plaything. Even J.T. stood and waited his turn to go in. Despite being an intern and a family member, only one visitor at a time was allowed into ICU.

Roxanne had known something was wrong earlier in the day when Trapper had called and told her that he was too tired to drive to Emeryville and asked if she would come to his place-not that he felt that he could show her a good time, he chuckled, but he wanted to see her. Trapper also told her to let herself in when she got there. She agreed and told him she would pick up dinner-Chinese.

So she had driven into San Francisco and let herself in and Trapper was sitting in the easy chair, his eyes closed, with just one lamp on. And when she saw him sitting there, she was frightened; she immediately knew something was off so she kneeled beside the chair and asked him what was wrong. Trapper was initially startled; he must have fallen asleep, he said. He answered that nothing was wrong but he looked exhausted and even his voice sounded tired as if speaking was too much an effort. He told her not to worry so much about him and reached over to touch her cheek. His fingertips just grazed her face.

She laid the food out on the dining room table and they sat down but she noticed that Trapper was having difficulty holding the chopsticks so she gave him a fork to use. He was offended, or pretended to be, but he used the fork and it seemed to her that it was easier for him to manipulate. She could barely eat, her stomach was so knotted.

"I'd like to turn in early," Trapper said, "If you don't mind."

"Do you want me to leave?" she asked.

"No. I'd like you to stay, if you could, but you certainly don't have to come to bed at…," he looked at the clock, "8:15."

"I don't mind. Really." She didn't want to leave him alone. Her intuition was screaming at her that something was very wrong. "You don't think you have a relapse of that flu, do you? I mean you were really sick for a time there." She thought back to about a month ago when Trapper had been seriously ill with a flu that was going around. He hadn't let her take care of him-but she brought him smoothies and made him drink them while she stayed and watched since he had no appetite.

"No," he said, "it's not the flu. I've just been working too hard and not getting enough sleep and it's come crashing down on me." So they went upstairs and she noticed that Trapper seemed to rely on the rail as he climbed. He said that his legs felt rubbery-too much exercise. He joked that he was trying to maintain his vigor for her. Then at the top, he paused and seemed to catch his breath. She wanted to ask him again about how he felt but she knew he would become angry so she left the subject alone. They both went to bed early and she lay beside him and put her head on his chest as she usually did but she felt him wince.

"Is something wrong? Did I hurt you?" She sat up and looked down at him. His face was ashen.

"No, I must have pulled a muscle, that's all. If you'd just lie beside me…"

So she did and they laid together in the darkness, both with their separate worries.

Trapper had known something was wrong for over a day. He was waiting for the test results but he knew that it was more than likely Guillain-Barre Syndrome as the neurologist had said. And he also realized that it was progressing rapidly. His doctor wanted to put him in the hospital that afternoon to check the progress of his symptoms-the tingling in his feet and hands, the muscle weakening, the balance problems and the pain that wracked his larger muscles but Trapper said no-he didn't mind being the doctor in a hospital but he hated being the patient. Trapper knew he was losing small muscle control-not being able to manipulate the chopsticks frightened him. And although he wanted to be at home, he didn't want to be alone. He stared at the ceiling above his bed and thanked God for Roxanne, that she was here to stay with him. But then he considered telling her to go home-for her sake. Although he knew in his rational mind that he wasn't going to die by morning, his emotional brain told him he might. What then? She would wake up in the morning with a corpse beside her. Finally, Trapper fell asleep until he suddenly woke up in a panic. He broke out in a sweat and felt as if he needed to run, to make some physical exertion to stave off the consuming fear enveloping him but he couldn't move his fingers-couldn't even feel anything with them. He tried to wiggle his toes but couldn't. He felt numb almost to his knees.

"Rocky," he asked, "are you awake?"

"Yes." She sat up. "What is it?" There was something in his voice that made her instantly alert.

"Take me to the hospital, would you?" And she did, helping him dress, pulling his arms through the sleeves of a hooded sweatshirt and zipping it up. She helped him with his jeans, pulling up the zipper and between apologies for being so helpless, he joked that they were usually undressing each other, not dressing. She smiled but she was too worried to joke. Putting on his sneakers was the most difficult part; Trapper couldn't push his foot into the shoe no matter how hard he tried. He told her to give up but she said that she wasn't going to let him go into the hospital just wearing socks so she screwed up her determination and finally managed to get his shoes on and the laces tied. They struggled down the stairs, stopping every few moments to let him get his breath and she finally asked him if he would rather have an ambulance. He was adamant about it-he didn't want an ambulance and he was sorry he was so much trouble. She kissed his hand and told him that he wasn't trouble, not to her. Trapper looked at her but he didn't smile-he just looked sadder.

Eventually, they made it out of the house and into the car and when she pulled into the hospital's emergency loop, she asked for a wheelchair and that was the last she saw of him. Trapper was whisked off and she was told to wait. So she sat in the emergency waiting room with other ill people and their worried relatives. Then J.T. finally found her and said that his father had asked if she was still there and if she was, would J.T. watch over her. And it was then that she cried. As desperate as his situation was, Trapper had thought of her, was concerned for her.

And now she was sitting in the ICU waiting room with J.T. and it was four in the morning and she would have to leave soon to go to work. In her mind, she was recalculating which classes she could cancel and how she could leave earlier than usual in the day to return to the hospital. She was thinking about traffic and what time of day it was and how it would take over two hours to get from the Oakland side to San Francisco when Melanie came out of the ICU and J.T. went in.

Roxanne stood up and Melanie glanced at her as she sat down.

"How is he?" Roxanne asked. She and Melanie weren't friends and Roxanne felt that Melanie had good reason to resent her. Nevertheless, she didn't believe that Melanie would keep information about Trapper's health from her.

Melanie stared at her for a few seconds and then said, "Not good. They've started treatment-they have some IV immuno….something that they're giving him that's supposed to help, supposed to stop the progress of the paralysis before it gets to his lungs. That's about it-except that he seems to be in good spirits, joking about this special bed they have him in and how it could have saved our marriage and such. I was too worried to really listen to his remarks. He doesn't seem to realize how serious things are."

"Oh, I think he does. That's why he's trying to joke, to act as if he's not that worried so that we won't worry," Roxanne said. "But he is-he's terrified."

"What makes you such an expert on Trapper?" Melanie spat out. "Just because you wrap your legs around him and probably drop to your knees every time he crooks his finger doesn't make you an expert. There's more to Trapper than just being available for a good lay."

"I don't want to fight with you, Melanie. Please. Is there anything else that the doctor might have said or Trapper?"

"No. That's about it. I'll be able to see him again later this morning so I'm staying." Melanie chose not to mention that Trapper had asked if Roxanne was still there waiting and if she was, to tell her to come back-screw the ICU rules that state only family members can visit, he said. He wanted to see her.

"Why don't you go home," Melanie said to her. "Trapper doesn't want you to be here worrying. He told me to tell you to go home." Melanie surprised herself by how coolly she could lie to Roxanne's face.

"Oh. He wants me to leave?" She felt devastated; Trapper didn't want to see her.

"He said that there was no reason to hang around here when you had work and since you can't do anything, talk to the doctors or even see him, you may as well leave."

"Well, if he wants me to go then, I guess I'll go." Roxanne picked up her purse and left and as soon as she had her back to Melanie, she released the tears that had been welling in her eyes and they silently rolled down her cheek. It was as she expected-in a tragedy, people always clung to family and Roxanne regretted not having married him already. Then she would be in there with him, holding his hand, telling him she loved him-not Melanie.

Melanie sat trying to decide if she felt guilty for lying and decided she didn't. After all, Roxanne hadn't gone through nineteen years of marriage with Trapper nor had she borne him two wonderful children or struggled with him through bad times and even though they were divorced, Melanie still felt as if she was his wife and all the people at the hospital did as well, giving her the same preferential treatment she always had received being the wife of the best general surgeon in the area and then as the wife of the Chief of Surgery at San Francisco Memorial.

"Mom," J.T. said coming into the waiting area," where's Roxanne? Pop wants me to bring her in."

"Oh," Melanie said, "she left. She had to get some sleep before she goes to work."

J.T. sighed. "Pop'll be disappointed-all he did was ask about her. I guess I should go tell him."

"Let him go to sleep," Melanie said. "If you tell him that Roxie deserted him, he'll just be upset. Let him rest." And Melanie rested her head on the back of the chair and closed her eyes and a small smile played across her lips. She would soon have Trapper back in the fold of the home. Of course, she thought, there's David, but he'll understand. And then Melanie felt guilty about David. He did love her and she honestly cared for him and that's why she had accepted his marriage proposal, but Trapper, she never should have divorced Trapper. She had realized that long ago and she would have reconciled with him by now if only he hadn't lost sexual interest in her. And now that he had Roxanne, or Roxie, as Melanie liked to call her since it sounded like a tramp's name, Trapper didn't need Melanie at all. Melanie knew that Trapper was still willing to help her, that he wanted her to be happy but he didn't love her-not the way she still loved him. But Melanie began planning how Trapper would fall in love with her again when she started taking care of him once he was home. Yes, they would fall in love again and there would be no David or any Roxie. Trapper would have everything he needed and wanted all in her and her alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

Roxanne had canceled two of the three classes she taught on Wednesdays; she asked one of her graduate assistants to cover the class on Medieval Romances so that she could stay at the hospital all day if she had to. She was back in the ICU waiting room at six in the morning, hoping to hear some news on Trapper. She hadn't gone home after Melanie dismissed her, but went back to Trapper's townhouse and sat in his easy chair, kicking up the footrest; it was the closest to having his arms around her. She closed her eyes, hoping to sleep. Maybe, she thought, when I wake up, all this will have been a bad dream, but her mind ran in circles and soon she was completely awake again and more anxious. She could only imagine how frightened and alone Trapper must feel. He hated to be dependent on anyone, to be weak and helpless and now he was. She also knew how much he loathed being on the other end of the stethoscope. But what Trapper hated the most was sympathy and she knew how he would react to his co-workers-or anyone- feeling sorry for him.

Despite drinking the largest size of Starbucks coffee from the hospital cafeteria, she still felt groggy. Her eyes burned from lack of sleep, she was wearing the same clothes as the day before and wore no makeup since she had washed her face the night before. She wanted a shower. Yet there was something so peaceful about being in the hospital so early. The lights were still dimmed in most places as they were in the waiting room and there was a certain serenity with being all alone in the calm.

As she sat, Gonzo walked in and started to head for the double doors to the unit.

"Gonzo?"

"Roxanne, what are you doing here so early? "

"Basically, except for about two hours, I've been here all night-ever since I brought him in."

"Yeah, I heard about that; I reported in this morning and heard Trapper was here. I knew something was wrong yesterday during surgery. I was assisting and there was something off-he was clumsy, awkward and asked me to close. He hardly ever does that-he wants to make sure that everything is done exactly textbook so he never relegates closing to someone else. I mean most surgeons do but Trapper is almost OCD about it. He just said he was tired and would I do it but he's been strange these past two days- wouldn't play racquetball-said he was too sore. Have you been able to see him yet today?"

"No, I haven't seen him at all. I'm not family so they won't let me in. I was wondering if you would find out what's happening and let me know. Melanie didn't give me much information last night."

"Gee," Gonzo said with a smile, "I'm surprised she wasn't willing to share with you-how unlike her- but you're Trap's fiancée so you should be able to see him. If you'd flashed that diamond ring at them, they'd probably have let you in."

"I never tried that although I did think of bribing the nurse with it," she said.

"C'mon," Gonzo said, winking at her, "I'll get you in and you visit while I examine his chart. Then I'll fill you in."

"Oh, thank you, Gonzo. You don't know how much this means to me." Gonzo kissed her cheek, put his hand on her lower back and escorted her to Trapper's room, quelling the protests of the two nurses on duty by explaining that Roxanne was Trapper's bride-to-be and to let her in to see him anytime she was there.

"Just don't be too long," Gonzo said. "These nurses will kick you out after ten minutes-you're only supposed to stay about five." Gonzo pointed to Trapper's door and smiled at her. He'd collect the return favor from Trapper later.

She slowly pushed open the door, peeked in and saw him lying strapped onto the strangest bed she had ever seen; it slowly moved in an arc, turning him from side to side; it reminded her of a rotisserie. He looked so still and quiet that it frightened her and the whirring of the bed, the beeping and swoosh of the machines taking his pulse and his blood pressure were the only sounds. Roxanne stood over him and looked down. It broke her heart to see him as the victim of wires and IV needles. She wanted to kiss him but he was asleep so she just sat in the chair by his bed; she would stay with him as long as she could-until they threw her out.

"Rocky?" His voice was barely audible.

"Yes." She stood up and moved closer to him. "Did I wake you up?"

He gave a small chuckle. "Don't worry about that. I always told you that I knew when you were near-you give off some type of vibration I can sense. So what brings you here today?" The bed was turning him away from her but she was relieved that Trapper could still talk; from what she had read when she had looked it up using her phone, Guillain-Barre often left its victims unable to talk, to have any control over their facial muscles and she was also relieved that he could still breathe on his own.

"Oh, Trapper, I've been so worried about you."

"Nothing to worry about," Trapper said, smiling, "this is almost like going to Disneyland…only here, the ride and the attraction both is Trapper. Hop on board, Rocky. You could have a great ride but I won't be able to participate much, but I still work-although you'd have to rip out my catheter. That's why you came back, isn't it? To gauge how much of me is still left." She couldn't quite understand why he was being so nasty to her. "I wanted to see you last night, Rocky-I was sorry you'd left, not that I can blame you. I'm not a pleasant sight. You don't have to come back again-I understand." She suddenly realized that he thought she had run away from him, dumped him off in the emergency room and then put as much distance between them as she could

"Melanie…" She stopped; she didn't want to blame Melanie; Trapper was going through enough. "I had to leave for a short time. I'm sorry. I didn't know…they had told me that I couldn't see you but Melanie filled me in before I left. I just went to your place for a while and then I came back. I canceled my classes today so I can be here." She reached out and stroked his forehead as he turned toward her again. "I'm sorry that I wasn't here. Oh, please, Trapper, I love you so."

"It's all right. You don't have to say that-you can keep the ring, Rocky. I figure that ring isn't nearly enough to thank you for the two years we've had together-you've given me more happiness than I had in nineteen years of marriage and the eight years after. You made me forget the hell I'd been through. And now I've got this fresh hell to deal with."

"Stop it, Trapper."

"Can't make the bed stop-can't press the button, remember? I'm useless."

"Stop it. Stop talking this way. I'm here. I was here practically the whole night except for that short time. I'm scared half to death and worried about you and all you can do is punish me by saying such awful things." She tried not to cry. She didn't want to upset him more than she felt she had to. "And if I know anything about you, Trapper, this is your way of hiding how you really feel."

Trapper said nothing and they both just listened to the various sounds of the machinery as he lay still, a prisoner of the bed and of his body. She stood beside him.

"The truth?" he said. "I'm afraid, Rocky. I'm so afraid that I'll die and that even if I don't, I'll never get over this-I'll never be the person I was before." His voice broke and to hear him so distressed brought the tears that she had been trying to suppress.

"Oh, Trapper," she said, "I know you're afraid because I'm afraid too. I wish I could go through this instead of you, that I could take away the pain and fear." She began to cry. "I know you hate to be helpless but I'm here and I'll go through it with you-I'm not running away-and your family is behind you too. We love you, Trapper, and as far as I'm concerned, you and I are still getting married even if I have to push you down the aisle in a wheelchair. I might even like being able to sit on your lap as we exchange vows."

Trapper smiled at the image her words evoked. "That might make for interesting possibilities."

She smiled down at him, wiping away her tears.

"Put the brakes on this thing so that I can kiss your tears way, will you?" Trapper said.

"Oh, Trapper, I'll catch you in a second-you're turning back toward me now." And when he was facing her, Roxanne bent down and kissed him. She caressed his cheek and he looked up at her. "What if I brought you some music?" she said. "The Brandenburg Concertos? You like those. You could ask for them to be played. And I'll bring in some others. Then you wouldn't have to listen to this symphony of machines."

Trapper chuckled. "That would be nice. I'd like that."

The nurse came in and sternly said to Roxanne, "You have to go now. I already let you stay longer than I should have."

"Give me a break, Nurse Ratched, and let her stay a while longer," Trapper said to her. "I haven't yet managed to convince Rocky here of the benefits of buying one of these magical beds when we get married-it's better than a vibrating bed."

"Well, Dr. McIntyre, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials-first I've heard about it and the rumor mill around here must be jammed; I need to grease it with that piece of information. But I'm glad to see that this little medical burp hasn't changed you at all; you're still your charming self, doctor," she said sarcastically. "But you," she said, pointing at Roxanne, "still have to go."

"All right," she said. "Trapper, I'll be in the waiting room and I'll come back to see you again when they let me." She couldn't pick up his hand because his arm was strapped down so she kissed her fingers and placed them on his lips. "I love you," she whispered before she left. And then she went out to continue her solitary vigil. She preferred it to being in the company of Melanie.


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

Roxanne's phone woke her up and she saw it was Gonzo; she was afraid it was bad news even though Trapper had been making progress. "Hello, Gonz," she managed,"is Trapper okay?"

"He's fine, he's fine." Gonzo answered.

"Thank God." Relief washed through her and she lay back on the pillow.

"I didn't mean to worry you but I wanted to save you a trip. Trapper's back home."

"Back home? But I was going to stay with him when he went home. How did he, I mean it was going to be this afternoon and..."

"Well, Melanie blew in here last night and told Trapper that she, as his next of kin, would either put him in a nursing home or take him home with her to recuperate-his choice. They had a huge argument and I have to say, even flat on his back, Trapper can put up a good fight- we could hear him even at the nurse's station-and then finally, he conceded to going with her but only if they went back to his townhouse, not her condo. She finally agreed. She had already hired a private ambulance service to transport him then and there and after the on-duty neurologist signed the papers, she whisked him off. She told me she hired a home health care aide and asked me who she spoke to about physical therapists. I told her I'd take care of that. I just thought you should know before you come trooping all the way down here. And by the way, she left the music you'd brought and, um, Melanie asked whose bra she found. It's at the nurse's station, that is, if it's yours and you want to claim it."

Roxanne blushed when she heard the amusement in Gonzo's voice. She had to slip the bra under Trapper's sheets when the nurse had come in yesterday afternoon. Roxanne had wanted to cheer up Trapper, just wanted to give him a little something to amuse him since his spirits were so low. Even though he was beginning to make some progress toward recovery, it had been almost three weeks and he still didn't have fine motor skills; his arms were no longer strapped down since they had moved him to another bed out of the ICU, so she had turned her back toward Trapper, sat on the side of the bed and challenged him to unhook her bra. He struggled but finally succeeded and when he did, she slipped it off under her sweater, dangled it in front of him and tossed it over her shoulder. Then she flashed him. He had laughed and told her that he loved her. He had asked her to bend over and let him have a quick feel when Roxanne heard the door start to open and she quickly picked up the bra and shoved it under the sheets. The nurse summarily waved her out and Trapper laughed again at Roxanne's obvious dilemma. "Well," she had thought, "at least he's in better spirits."

"Thanks for the information, Gonzo, but I don't think I'll be picking up my bra anytime soon," she said. "And I guess that I might as well start to deal with Melanie now."

Gonzo laughed. "At least I don't have to deal with her. If you need anything, Roxanne, just give me a call, okay. I can run interference if need be since Trapper can't."

"Thanks, Gonz. I appreciate it but if Trapper and I are going to have any kind of relationship, well, I don't want him to run interference for me forever so I might as well be a big girl and take care of myself."

After her conversation with Gonzo, Roxanne began to feel righteously angry; Melanie always did this, tried to take over as if Trapper and she were still married. If she wasn't calling him darling and kissing him, she was phoning him and asking for advice. No part of her life it seemed, could be conducted without consulting him. And as many times as Trapper had urged her to talk to her fiancé, David, about issues, she still wanted Trapper's input. And now Melanie had managed to shanghai him right out from under her nose.

Roxanne and Trapper had discussed what they would do when he was released from the hospital and they had agreed that she would move into the townhouse to help him along with whomever they hired to assist and to stay with him while she was at work. Trapper also told her that she would give him a reason to work even harder to regain his strength. He said that he needed to be able to throw her over his knee; she was getting a bit too saucy and needed to be put in her rightful place with, as he put it, "a few well-placed smacks on your well-formed buttocks."

"That'll be the day," she had said, teasing him by running a moistened finger over his lips.

And as she lay in bed after Gonzo's call she smiled remembering that particular remark that Trapper had made so she began to plan what she would do for him when they were alone together; she would take his mind off his recovery and make him more than simply glad to be home-she would make him glad to have her. Then she took a deep breath and went to take her shower.

It was late afternoon when she showed up at Trapper's door; she considered just using her key to let herself in but decided against it. Roxanne didn't want to just walk in as if she lived there and start something with Melanie and she didn't want to involve Trapper. He would be forced to take sides and she never wanted him to have to do that-besides, he might side with Melanie, the mother of his children over her and then she knew she would be devastated. She didn't want to take that chance. So she knocked on the door and a brawny, huge man opened it. He was wearing what looked like a nurse's uniform so Roxanne decided he must be there to help Trapper.

"Yes?" he said.

"Hi," she said, smiling. He smiled back-a warm, friendly smile. She had expected Melanie and had planned what she would say but having the door opened by a stranger was even better. "I'm a friend of Trapper's and came to see him. May I?"

"Come in," he said. "I'll let him know…"

But before he could finish, Melanie's voice rang out. "Who is it, George?" She came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel.

Roxanne smiled as Melanie stopped abruptly when she saw who it was.

"Melanie, good to see you, I came to see Trapper."

"That'll be all, George," Melanie said curtly. "The list for the drug store is on the kitchen table; you can go run the errand now."

"Yes, Mrs. McIntyre." George looked at Roxanne and shrugged slightly as if to say, what can I do? and walked into the kitchen.

Melanie smiled coolly at Roxanne, She had been expecting her. Trapper had told her that he and Roxanne had made plans for when he was released from the hospital and that Melanie had no right to come waltzing in and take over; the only reason he agreed to her conditions was because he hadn't had the presence of mind to have Melanie removed as his next of kin yet and that gave her power over his destiny-a mistake he would rectify soon enough. They had argued and Melanie told him that she was only doing what she thought was best for him and, she added, years ago she had taken the vow to stay with him through sickness and in health and she was just following through. Trapper pointed out that they were no longer married and they both had other people in their lives now. And what about David, he had asked? How would David feel about her moving in with him? Melanie had answered that David understood and that he could stop by the townhouse anytime he desired. But, Trapper had asked, a small smile on his face, what if she and David wanted to sleep together? Would they do the deed in his bed upstairs while he was relegated to the downstairs? Remember, he said, the master bedroom is directly above the den where he would be sleeping so they might want to use the spare bedroom instead-if they usually had raucous sex. And although Trapper was certain that wasn't the case, he enjoyed seeing Melanie's reaction; she was flustered and sputtered out that he needed to mind his own business about his sex life. And then Trapper had laughed-the only thing he had enjoyed during the incident-he finally felt he had some control.

"This isn't a good time," Melanie said. "Trapper just finished up his physical therapy and is tired-I think he's asleep."

"I don't mind waiting," Roxanne said. She didn't know if Melanie was lying or not; it could be the truth but she found she was anxious. She hadn't seen Trapper since yesterday and she needed to touch him, to look at him and see his smile, to hear his voice, that wonderful voice, and know he was all right.

I do," Melanie said, "you'd be in the way."

Roxanne stood thinking; she didn't want to get into an argument. "All right," she said, "I'll come by later then," and Melanie practically pushed her out the door.

She decided to pass the time shopping before she returned to Trapper's and stopped in her favorite lingerie shop. Roxanne, smiling to herself, bought a pink, sheer, lacy bra and matching underwear-if they could be called underwear-they were two V-shaped pieces of lace tied at the sides with pink ribbons. "Trapper should be able to pull one of the ribbons and take it from there." She felt that it was important for Trapper to feel he was still attractive and part of the world and not to feel as if he had been neutered, thinking that no one found him desirable. But she did and she wanted him to know. Not only did she feel he was attractive, but the idea of being able to physically overwhelm him, to have him at her mercy raised new possibilities, possibilities that she felt Trapper would enjoy. So after she paid for the bra and panties, she went to the dressing room and put them. She smiled again-Trapper would love them.

She returned to the townhouse and rang the bell and waited. As she expected, Melanie answered.

"Oh, you're back," Melanie said.

"I told you I would be. Is Trapper awake?"

"Yes, but he's eating. Why don't you come back tomorrow."

"No, Melanie, I really want to see him and he probably wants to see me. Please don't do this. Don't keep him from me." Then Roxanne heard Trapper's voice call out her name-his nickname for her, "Rocky? That you?"

"Yes, Trap, it's me." She called into the house.

"Come in, beautiful-I'm in the kitchen."

Roxanne looked at Melanie and walked past her and into the house. And despite her promise to herself that she was going to be mature about the struggle with Melanie, she couldn't help herself; she stuck out her tongue at Melanie as she passed her.

Melanie stood and glared after Roxanne as she hurried to see Trapper. Something will have to be done about her, Melanie thought. She closed the door and followed Roxanne into the kitchen and saw a huge grin light up Trapper's face.

"Rocky, come here."

Roxanne practically ran to him and kissed him. "Oh, tastes good," she said licking his lips and then her own. "Melanie's a good cook." She looked at Melanie who gave her a sour smile.

"Well, sit down and join us," Trapper said. "I have an empty lap just waiting for you."

She laughed, put her things on the counter and sat in his lap, squirming to make herself comfortable.

"Oh," Trapper said with a small groan, "have you noticed how very glad I am to see you?"

She laughed, her arms around his neck and kissed him again. She found herself desiring him, the heat rising inside her and she could tell by his eyes, by the tense expression on his face that he wanted satisfaction. She already knew how he felt about her. "I've got a present for you-when we're alone." She teased his mouth with kisses. "I think you'll like it very much."

"I'm sure I will," he said looking at her, wishing he could do more than make awkward attempts to touch her, his arm braces to help him eat getting in the way. "As a matter of fact, dinner can wait. Let's go to the den-or my parlor as the spider said to the fly."

"Are you sure?" she asked. She knew he was sure but she wanted to bait him, to have him tell her what he wanted, anything to let him know that he was still desirable to her.

"I'm sure-I'll embarrass myself if you continue giving me this 'lap dance' pretending you're trying to get comfortable "

Roxanne laughed, stood up, put her purse in Trapper's lap and holding the handles on his wheelchair, she began to push him out of the kitchen and to the den.

As they left the kitchen, Melanie heard Trapper say, "Once I get that motorized wheelchair, I'll be able to take you for a great ride-but tonight, you'll just have to settle for a little manual action." And Melanie heard her laugh and then their voices dropped and she heard the door of the den close. Melanie even swore that she heard the lock turn and the thought of them together upset her far more than she had expected.

Melanie sat and fumed. "Maybe," Melanie thought, "I can get rid of her legally. There has to be a way, some way that I can get her out of his life." She made a mental note to talk to her lawyer tomorrow. 


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4

Roxanne took her suitcase out of her trunk and carried it to Trapper's front door. The week since he had left the hospital and been home, he had made quite a bit of progress but some days were good and some days were bad. But she was much more relaxed about the change in their relationship, about her being the one to please him. He would ask her to talk dirty to him as he lay there so she would create scenarios in her mind as she traveled across the bridge every evening to see him and by the time she arrived, she could barely wait to tell him her newest "dirty" story about them; he knew he could barely wait to hear her newest creation. She also became more relaxed about Melanie; Roxanne didn't really care anymore what Melanie thought about the sounds coming from the den at night so when Trapper asked her to stay the whole weekend, she readily agreed. She was excited about spending so much time with him and had planned out the whole two days which included a picnic at Horseshoe Bay, their favorite place.

She rang the doorbell and waited. No one came so she rang it again. Still, no answer so Roxanne put down her suitcase and started going through her purse for the key chain with Trapper's door key on it when the door opened and Melanie stood there blocking the doorway.

"What do you want?"

"Trapper invited me to stay the weekend-kind of an extended sleepover-a slumber party." She picked up her suitcase.

"Sorry, but the plans are canceled. You'll just have to go. I've invited some friends over for dinner, Gonzo, Ernie and then, J.T.. It's a surprise for Trapper."

"Wait a minute," Roxanne said. "You can't just dismiss me. Where's Trapper? If he tells me to go then I'll go but this morning he asked me to stay over. I want to talk to him."

"He's on the back porch with Ernie. She's working with him on his PT. You'd just be a distraction."

"Melanie, let me see him. Please. If he thinks that I didn't even come over tonight, he'll be hurt."

"You don't really know anything about Trapper no matter what you think." Melanie was furious. This woman, this little whore of Trapper's thought she knew everything about him. "Trapper is an intelligent man but when he's thinking with the wrong head, he makes foolish choices. I should know. I was married to him for nineteen years, after all and although, to my knowledge he was never unfaithful when he was back in the states-well, he told me about his time in the service. He said he was lonely and death was all around- that's what's happening now-that's why he asked you to stay, that and because you…you service him. Now, if you don't leave, I'll call the police and have you arrested for trespassing." Melanie stood holding the door, ready to shut it.

"You can't," Roxanne said. "I know the law. I have a house key and someone with a house key can't be a trespasser."

"Try the key," Melanie said with a smile. "You'll see it doesn't work. I had the locks changed this afternoon. He just left no more than five minutes before you came. Now you need to leave." Melanie closed the door and Roxanne stood, shocked. Melanie actually could keep Trapper from her.

She didn't know what to do so she went back to her car and sat, the car door open, her suitcase beside her feet. She decided she'd wait awhile; Trapper wouldn't stay outside that much longer, and then she'd ring the bell again. If he heard her, he'd call to her. But what if he didn't? What if Melanie had worked on him and convinced him that she was bad for him, that Melanie and he could be reconciled? What if Melanie had decided that she would fulfill his needs-all his needs? And Roxanne squeezed her eyes tightly, trying to block out the images of Melanie and Trapper together in his room. She was so engrossed in her thoughts that she didn't even hear the car pull up to the curb and Gonzo and J.T. walk up to her.

"Hey, Roxie," Gonzo said. "What are you doing sitting out here?"

She looked up, surprised. "Oh, Gonzo, J.T., I was waiting before I went in to see Trapper."

"Well, if you sit out here any longer, you'll miss dinner," J.T. said, "and Mom's making her world famous lasagna. C'mon."

"This your suitcase?" Gonzo asked, handing a bottle of wine he had brought to J.T. and picking it up.

"Oh, yes," she said, blushing.

"Staying overnight? Seems like an awful lot of clothes for just one night." Gonzo asked, smiling. He and J.T. exchanged knowing looks.

"Oh, well…Trapper invited me for the weekend." Roxanne tried to avoid their eyes.

"Yeah," Gonzo said as they walked to the door, "How nice for Melanie to have another woman around to keep her company."

J.T., chuckled and rubbed his nose; the ill feelings between Roxanne and Melanie weren't unknown to him. He had to listen more than once to his mother rant against Roxanne and how she had turned his father's head and made him behave like some horny teenager. J.T. had learned to just sit and listen and make no comment.

Melanie heard the doorbell ring and looking through the peephole, she saw J.T. so she swung it open, a smile on her face. Then her face fell, behind him was Gonzo but behind Gonzo was Roxanne.

"Sorry about the bell, Mom," J.T. said, "but my key doesn't seem to work."

"No, I had the locks changed. I have another key for you. Come in." Melanie stepped aside to let them enter and Gonzo turned to give Roxanne a knowing look; it wasn't lost on him why Melanie had changed the locks.

Melanie indicated the furniture in the living room and said, "Make yourselves comfortable. I'll call in Trapper and Ernie; dinner's almost ready." And then looking at Roxanne, she said, "I'll set another place."

Instead of feeling victorious, Roxanne felt awful; she felt she would have to go through this every time she came to see Trapper and she just wanted things to be easier. There was no sense dragging Trapper into it, whining to him about how mean Melanie was to her and how she tried to keep them apart-he had more than enough to deal with. He didn't need to deal with two feuding women as well.

Trapper came into the room in the wheelchair, asked Roxanne for a kiss and then they admired his motorized wheelchair-it had been delivered that morning.

"Hop on, Rocky. I promised you the first ride-the maiden voyage. It'll be the first time I've taken on passengers. C'mon."

She blushed. "I can wait until later. It's all right."

"My lap may be full later-so now." He looked at her and she understood what he wanted so she arranged herself sideways on his lap. "Hold on," he said and she put her arms around his neck and he took her to the kitchen.

"Melanie," he said, "will you open the back door for us. I want to show Rocky the back yard. She hasn't seen it for a while now."

"Can't you see I'm fixing the salad? I know there's nothing wrong with your eyes. Can't she do it?"

"Ah, but I wanted Rocky to feel the bump when we go over the threshold." Trapper looked at her in his lap. "It's quite the thrill-very stimulating." He raised his brows lasciviously.

Roxanne jumped off his lamp. "I'll do it." She opened the back door and Trapper went through and she followed.

"Now sit on my lap and kiss me," Trapper said.

"I would love to." So she sat on his lap and put her arms around his neck and she kissed him and he returned her kiss with equal passion. She nuzzled his neck and marveled at his wonderful scent and the feel of his beard.

"Thank you for coming tonight, Rocky. I didn't know about the dinner Melanie had planned until late afternoon and I was afraid if you saw everyone that you wouldn't stay. You are staying, aren't you?"

"I brought my suitcase." She tucked her head against his neck. "I am having second thoughts though."

"Why?"

She sat upright. "I mean it might get awkward having me around all weekend… too many cooks in the kitchen and such."

"You worried about Melanie?"

"I'm not worried, it's just that I feel I'm in the way." She didn't want to meet his eyes; he would know she was lying.

Then in a low voice he said, "It's my house, my home and I want you here. She wanted to take me to her condo and I had to fight like hell to get her to agree to come here; I was afraid she wouldn't let you in if I was at her place and I wanted to see you, Rocky. If it weren't for you, I…well, I think I might have given up by now but all I can think about is you and all the years we'll hopefully have together. I want to teach you to ski and take you boating and make wild, torrid love to you over and over. It's because of you that I haven't locked myself away to avoid this dinner."

"Is it the eating?"

"Oh, hell, yes. A one-year-old eats more gracefully and doesn't drop half the food I do. And those damn ergonomic spoons and forks-useless. My plate and bowl even have suction cups on the bottom-that's what my own kids' plates had when they were learning to feed themselves. And then these damn arm braces..."

She knew he was upset-and embarrassed and she was just about to ask him what he would like done when Melanie opened the door and announced that David had just arrived and dinner was ready.

"Trapper," she said as she sat upright on his lap, "if you don't mind, I'll walk in on my own two feet. I'll have to get used to doing that if I'm going to be a member of your family."

"Okay, but my lap is going to miss you," he said and kissed her.

The dinner table was crowded with seven people crammed around a table meant for six but they managed. Trapper sat at one end, the table cloth rolled back so that his divided plate could be stuck to the table top. Trapper was right, Roxanne thought, it does look like a child's plate.

The conversation was lively but Roxanne noticed that Trapper was working hard, making an effort to be light-hearted and as usual, he was very funny and everyone laughed. But when Gonzo was telling a story and all eyes were focused on him, Roxanne noticed how ashen Trapper looked, how tired he appeared-he practically slumped. She also noticed that, although Melanie had cut his share of lasagna into small chunks, he didn't eat but one or two pieces and he had silently struggled with those. He didn't even attempt his salad or any of the garlic bread. Gonzo had brought a nice wine but Trapper had joked that drinking it through a bent straw as he had to, made it taste like simple grape juice.

And after everyone finished eating, they still sat and talked more and Trapper became quiet. Roxanne wanted to say something, to tell everyone to leave even though it wasn't her place to do so but she was just about to when she caught Gonzo's eye. He looked at her inquiringly and Roxanne nodded slightly in Trapper's direction. Then Gonzo knew and said that it was getting late and he had a girl lined up and waiting for him. Ernie and J.T. teased him about double-booking and everyone laughed except Trapper. He just managed a tired grin. But, Gonzo added, since J.T. had ridden with him, he needed to get his ass up and come too. Then Ernie said that she had to go as well and they all thanked Melanie for the lovely evening and after Melanie walked them to the door, just the four of them were left, Trapper, Roxanne, Melanie and David.

"You're welcome to stay as long as you like," Trapper told David, "even overnight, but I'm really tired and going to bed." He looked up at Roxanne who stood next to him. "I'm going to go ahead and try to brush my teeth. They even make ergonomic toothbrushes now, did you know that?" He gave a slight laugh. "Give me some time before you come in, would you?"

"Of course. Is George coming back tonight?" Roxanne was wondering how Trapper was going to get into bed without George.

"No," Melanie said. "I gave him the night off. I had intended that J.T. and maybe Gonzo help Trapper into bed but now it looks like it'll have to be David and me."

"Nobody has to help me," Trapper growled. "I'll sleep in this damn chair until morning. And I'm so tired of having to depend on other people! Hell, I can't even take a piss by myself or wipe my own ass!" Using the control stick, Trapper left them and went into the den. 


	5. Chapter 5

Part 5

Roxanne knew Trapper was more than merely upset; the evening had been too much. Melanie had thought that having everyone over would raise his spirits but the previous night, Roxanne had seen when she visited that Trapper was close to breaking. They had talked quietly as she lay next to him, her arms protectively around him. He had talked about how awful it was to feel so helpless, so at everyone's mercy. She listened in the dark, the tears sliding down her face as he talked and then he eventually fell asleep and she listened to the rhythm of his breathing; she had always found it comforting and soon after, she slept too but she promised herself that this weekend, she would try harder to help him feel less vulnerable.

So they stood, not knowing what to say after Trapper left them. David stood awkwardly next to Melanie; Roxanne thought that maybe Trapper's remark about staying all night had embarrassed him. Although David was a nice man, he always seemed to be in a dither and Roxanne couldn't understand how Melanie could have been married to a man like Trapper and then want to marry someone like David Sandler who, in her opinion, needed a psych evaluation more than his patients. "But," Roxanne thought, "all he really needs is to grow a pair. But then, Melanie would try to clip those off too." And then she considered that she wasn't being fair to Melanie.

Excuse me," Roxanne said and left Melanie and David standing while she followed Trapper. He was sitting in the semi-dark, his back to the door.

"Trapper?" She knocked on the open door to let him know she was there and then she walked to the desk and turned on a lamp.

"Leave me alone for a while, would you, Rocky?" He sat and stared ahead of him.

"I will." She tried to sound gentle to let him know that she wasn't offended. "I just came to get my suitcase."

Trapper turned his chair to look at her. "Your suitcase? Why?"

"To give you time alone. This probably isn't the best weekend…"

"Don't go, Rocky." His voice was low and hoarse. That let her know just how tired her really was; when he hadn't had enough sleep or had been overworked, his voice sounded raw.

"Trapper," she sat on the edge of the sofa-bed facing him. "You're exhausted. I don't need to be here. Having all these people over tonight has worn you out. You must want to be left alone for once and not have people always at you for physical therapy, to take care of you-to have you do this, to do that…you don't need me around-I'll come back Monday."

"I do need you around and I'm sorry I snapped at you and everyone else out there-I just-sometimes it gets to the point where I'm so tired of everything-but never of you. Never, Rocky. You keep me sane, you keep me feeling normal-that is, as normal as I can be."

She just sat and waited for him to continue.

"That was a joke, Rocky. Where did your sense of humor go?"

"Oh. I'm sorry, Trap. I guess I'm a little tired too-and stressed."

"Listen to me," he said. "I'm not blind-I can see the tension between you and Melanie but I don't feel that I can just ask her to leave." Trapper noticed the effort she was making not to cry so he knew that he had found the crux of the situation. "It is Melanie, isn't it?"

She swallowed deeply and looked around the room, waiting until she could talk without bursting into tears; she hadn't realized how close to the surface her emotions were.

"It's not just Melanie, although I would love to blame her for everything. It's just that I've been so worried about you and I can hardly wait to run to you when I'm through with my classes and I'm so behind in grading and I just…and then I wonder about you and Melanie and worry that you'll fall in love again and I'll lose you to her and I'll show up one day and you won't want me anymore." And at that her voice cracked and she started crying. She kept trying to stop but couldn't.

" , Rocky. Let me hold you."

"Oh, Trapper," she partially cried and laughed as she crawled onto his lap. "Here you are, in far worse condition than I am and you're comforting me."

The arm braces made things awkward but he tried to stroke her hair as she sat with her face tucked next to his. "I wish I could hold you and whisper sweet things in your ear and then carry you to the bed and make torrid love to you, but that will have to wait-at least another day or two."

She gave a small laugh. "It's all right-I can wait another day but in the meantime, this makes me happy," she said, "just sitting here with you-as long as you still love me."

"Listen to me, Rocky-carefully. I owe quite a bit to Melanie and I don't feel that I can ask her to leave. She's been taking care of me this past week, brushing my teeth, cooking for me, helping me eat, and even if she hadn't been, we were married for nineteen years and as I told you, we still carried on for about two years after that. She also bore my children. I care for her and I don't want to hurt her. But, on the other hand, I don't want her to hurt you. I know how she can be and I know how you can be-and both of you know what a contrary son-of-a-bitch I can be. That is why it's so important that you still want me-that I haven't pushed you away."

"What do you mean?" She played with the top button of his shirt, listening carefully to what he was saying.

"This is going to sound silly, but when I knew what was wrong, my first thought was that you would leave, that you wouldn't want to be around someone who was unable to, well, I didn't know how many 'functioning parts' I would have. And then when you were gone that first night…"

She sat up. "Trapper, I explained to you.."

"I know, I know, but at the time I didn't know. And I hate to admit it, but I found myself crying in self-pity and couldn't even wipe away my own tears. That was the worst I've felt through this whole mess. I felt abandoned but I would have understood if you hadn't come back."

"But I did!" Roxanne wanted to explain about Melanie, how Melanie sabotaged everything, how Melanie was mean to her and how Melanie changed the locks and threatened to have her arrested for trespassing. But she stopped herself. How petty and childish she would sound relating her litany of complaints to him as he sat partially paralyzed.

"I know you did. Just listen, Rocky."

She relaxed against him, listening to his heartbeat.

"But when I did see you and you kissed me and touched me, well, that made me feel wanted again. And when you would visit me in the hospital and tease me and that time you flashed me and then later let me cop a feel, well, you treated me as a man, not an invalid. You make me feel whole, human. And I need that more than I need someone to cut up my food for me. Please stay this weekend. Stay with me. I do need you."

"Oh, Trapper!" She hid her face in his neck. "I need you too. So very much."

"How then could we possibly have a problem?"

She listened to him, to his melodic voice that warmed and comforted her and began to consider how to solve her problem. "Excuse me. Trapper," she said getting up from his lap. "I have to do something. I'll give you some time alone."

"Rocky?" he asked. "We're okay, aren't we?"

"Copacetic," she said, giving him a smile and a wink as she went out.

David sat in the living room watching television and she could hear noise in the kitchen. There were still a few dishes on the table so Roxanne stacked them and took them into the kitchen.

"I came to help you clean up," she said, placing them beside the sink where Melanie stood rinsing them and putting the dishes in the dishwasher.

"Thank you," Melanie said coldly.

Roxanne took a deep sigh. "I didn't tell you how good your lasagna was-I just use the recipe on the pasta box. It's okay but your sauce was delicious. I just buy ready-made."

Melanie stopped and turned and faced her. "You don't have to flatter me."

"It's not flattery, it's a compliment. Look, Melanie, I see no reason why we can't let bygones be bygones, to use a cliché. If you resent me because I'm with Trapper, well, I don't understand why. You divorced him, not the other way around. You threw him out, at least according to Trapper. You had his suitcases packed and ready at the door so that when he came home, he could just take them and turn and leave."

"You don't understand what being married to him was like," Melanie said, starting to clatter the dishes.

"No, I don't, but Melanie, you and he are no longer married. What do you want from him?"

Melanie turned off the faucet and dropped her voice so that David wouldn't hear. "I want the Trapper you have, that's what I want."

"What?" Roxanne was surprised that Melanie would be so blunt.

"The Trapper you have, the one he is now, the sexy, loving, romantic Trapper, the one who is always grabbing your ass, who bought you that canary diamond ring and nuzzles your neck-that's the Trapper I want. Not the one I had who was always working, always leaving me alone with two small children, the Trapper who never had time to go on family vacations and who was always more involved in his patients than his own family-that's the Trapper I had, that's the Trapper I divorced."

"I'm sorry, Melanie. I didn't understand." Roxanne understood Melanie's yearning for Trapper and she wanted to shout, "He doesn't love you anymore, Melanie-he loves me! Me!" but she didn't. She actually felt a bit of compassion toward the other woman.

"I don't care if you ever understand. I just don't like you, Roxanne-or Rocky, as he calls you. Trapper never even had a nickname for me, do you know that? I called him darling but I can count on one hand how many times he even called me dear! I want him back." Melanie turned back to the sink and began rinsing off dishes.

"What about David?" Roxanne quietly asked.

"David would understand."

"Have you told Trapper how you feel?"

"Not outright but I'm sure he knows. I've been helping him, taking care of him and we've spent time together and we've talked about the old times and how much we were in love. He's not stupid-he must know."

"So your idea is to keep me away so that you can work on him, is that it?"

Melanie shut off the water and faced Roxanne again. "To be honest, Roxanne, I would like nothing more than to push you down the stairs."

"Gee," Roxanne said sarcastically, "now that you've warned me, I know not to walk in front of you."

"Oh, you think you're so very funny-you and Trapper, two of a kind." Then Melanie stopped. She looked at Roxanne realizing what she had just said.

"That's right, Melanie. In many ways Trapper and I are alike-there are other ways that we're not but I do love him and as long he wants me, I'm not going anywhere. He invited me to stay the weekend and I am. And I am going to do my hardest to please him and make him realize that even if he doesn't completely recover, his life is still worth living-with me. So if you don't want to see it-or hear us, I would suggest that you pack a bag and spend the weekend with David."

Roxanne turned to go but stopped. "And Melanie, I haven't tattled on you about the key or anything else, but I would like a spare key to replace the one Trapper gave me." The she turned and went past David and into the den closing the door behind her.

"That you, Rocky?" Trapper called out through the partially open door of the bathroom.

"Yes. You need anything?"

"No, I brushed my teeth and even managed to take a leak. I'm getting better at it every day."

"Well, well, you are getting to be a big boy, aren't you?" She smiled as Trapper came out from the bathroom.

"You tell me," he said, grinning.

She looked at him and was filled with such strong emotion she wanted to cry. She loved him, had faced Melanie down and here he was, in front of her, a virile and passionate man who wanted her. And she was happy and felt she had so much to look forward to.

"I thought we'd have a picnic Sunday at Horseshoe Bay. Would you like that?" she asked.

"Yes," he said, "but then I'd go anywhere with you." And he smiled at her and there was so much love in his eyes that she felt overwhelmed.

"Okay," she said with a wicked grin. "Then how about us going to bed?"

"Ready and willing," he said and they both laughed in the joy they felt together. 

~Finis~


End file.
